The King of the World and The Boysen Bill

McJ's picture

WPIA (Winter Patriot Intelligence Agency)
Blues Brothers

Forward on a 'need to know' basis only

Dear Sally,

RE: The King of the World election and a proposal for the enactment of The Poysen Pill Boysen Bill

As you know, it's become increasing obvious that James is positioning himself to make a run for King of the World. He refers to this title with the waggish (and misleading I might add) euphemism 'El Presidente'. An El Presidente, as you may well imagine, is unlikely to accrue for himself the far reaching powers of a King of the World. This is not the first time this has come up! He has hinted that he covets this position on comment threads in the past. I'm not saying he wouldn't make a good King, and if he has a chance at election you and I would certainly want to be on the winning side of that one! However, we need to proceed carefully! He has made a couple of worrying comments regarding his intent to carry through on campaign promises so I thought it best I move all the relevant conversations on the 'ice cream for votes' deal I have been attempting to negotiate with him (see below) to this newly created forum. That way we can keep track of the half-truths, innuendos and well, just out and out political horses**t horse-bleep all in one place. This is how these guys operate, you know. They dump and spread these kinds of promises on numerous threads, spinning and suggesting, manipulating our thoughts and making it nearly impossible for we poor voters to nail down the deal or know who said what to whom, and when. One needs to be some kind of investigative reporter to follow the trail. I mean he didn't really offer you the deal did he? He just pointed you over to some unrelated info where the ice cream deal was being discussed. Oh, and I wouldn't be surprised to hear he has been making 'off-thread' deals with WP, NJT or others.

That brings me to what I have tentatively dubbed the Boysen Bill named for the '2 scoops of Boysenberry icecream for 1 vote' deal that James is peddling.

A Bit of History:
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
A boysenberry is a cross between a raspberry, a blackberry, and/or a loganberry.[2] It is a large (8.0g) compound fruit, with large seeds and a deep maroon color.[3]
In the late 1920s, George M. Darrow of the USDA began tracking down reports of a large, reddish-purple berry that had been grown on the northern California farm of a man named Rudolph Boysen.[4] Darrow enlisted the help of Walter Knott, a Southern California farmer who was known as a berry expert. Knott hadn't heard of the new berry, but he agreed to help Darrow in his search for the berry.

Darrow and Knott learned that Boysen had abandoned his growing experiments several years earlier and sold his farm. Undaunted by this news, Darrow and Knott headed out to Boysen's old farm, on which they found several frail vines surviving in a field choked with weeds. They transplanted the vines to Knott's farm in Buena Park, California, where he nurtured them back to fruit-bearing health. Walter Knott was the first to commercially cultivate the berry in southern California.[4] He began selling the berries at his farm stand in 1932 and soon noticed that people kept returning to buy the large, tasty berries. When asked what they were called, Knott said, "Boysenberries," after their originator.[5] His family's small restaurant and pie business eventually grew into Knott's Berry Farm. As the berry's popularity grew, Mrs. Knott began making preserves, which ultimately made Knott's Berry Farm famous.

The relevant bit to note here Sally is the Knott('s) Berry Farm...clever - NOT BERRY!. Now some may accuse me of being a 'conspiracy theorist' for noting this obscure detail relating to the history of said berry but are we really going to get Boysenberry? Will there be any real berries in our ice cream or will it be synthetic flavoring? That's why I am proposing we draft the Boysen Bill in advance of James' election campaign and get it enacted ASAP! We will want to insure we carefully lay out exactly what is expected in return for our votes so there will be no surprises after the election (ie. real berries, real cream, two scoops, boysenberry and not something 'peachy', time frame for receipt of payment etc.). Procedures for immediate impeachment will need to be included in the event any of the provisos of the Boysen Bill are breached.

Yours in truth and accountability

McJ to James:
...You make some excellent suggestions in your comments. If only you ruled the world. smiling

James to McJ:
El Presidente
You make some excellent suggestions in your comments. If only you ruled the world. smiling

Hahaha! That would not be such a good idea, believe me.

Though, there'd be free boysenberry ice-cream for everyone. party time!
Hmmm, maybe the interminable speeches would be worth it! listen to this
rolling on the floor laughing

McJ to James:
You've got my vote. I'm all for free ice-cream. party time!

James to McJ:
Well, that was easy. I think i can see the way to go stretched out before me. Yes!

McJ to James:
You are going to be using real cream - right? smiling

James to McJ:
Real cream? Um . . . yeah, sure. ah . . whatever you want. Kosher, even. Yes. Just vote for me and I'll fix everything up just peachy after I'm elected. Trust me!

McJ to James:
...I trust you James smiling sticking out tongue, but no petroleum bi-products or other junk in that ice cream ya hear! or I'll have to have you impeached if 'everything' is not 'peachy' enough! wink

James to McJ:
...if I'm gunna get impeached it had better be over a peach.

McJ to James:
...speaking of el presidentes and rightful rulers's a wee word from the bard himself about some poor Scots who fought for an earlier King James over in Ireland. You won't be making the same mistakes as Seamus a' chaca I trust - cuttin and runnin? laughing out loud

It Was A' For Our Rightfu' King
by Robert Burns

It was a' for our rightfu' King
We left fair Scotland's strand;
It was a' for our rightfu' King
We e'er saw Irish land, my dear,
We e'er saw Irish land.

Now a' is done that men can do,
And a' is done in vain;
My Love and Native Land fareweel,
For I maun cross the main, my dear,
For I maun cross the main.

James to McJ:
I see you're angling for a double scoop, McJ. I'm sorry but there will be no extra privileges in the workers paradise where everyone works equally for my paradise!

McJ to James:
Double scoops - the going price for my vote! smiling

James to McJ:
...Um . . . we'll talk more about the scoops after the election, ok? But don't you worry, I'll see you right.

Sally to McJ:
...Peace, Joy and Boysenberry Icecream

McJ to Sally:
..."Joy and Boysenberry Icecream" wink wink
James has been giving me the runaround on that whole ice cream thing so be careful about making deals with him! I offered him my vote for 'king of the world' for just two scoops but he came back with some BS about trusting him to make it right once he's the ruler. I'm beginning to think it's just your typical political pre election promise although I'm sure he'll tell you that his promises are anything but typical. laughing out loud

Sally to McJ:
The Deal Re - Boysenberry Ice Cream
Blue Thank You Thanks for starting negotiations over the icecream McJ. I may want some of this action.

I'll vote for James as "King of the world" as well but only with a signed voucher for quite a lot Bosenberry Icecream. read this Purple Berry cream is my fav.

I think he's supposed to carry out our wishes as an elected King. Not that Ive ever heard of that scenario.

Kings usually committ mass murder to get their job or are the children of mass murderers.

Elections and Boysenberry icecream are very new concepts in world domination.

McJ's picture

Sally re: James for King of the World and the Boysen Bill

"I think he's supposed to carry out our wishes as an elected King. Not that Ive ever heard of that scenario. Kings usually commit mass murder to get their job or are the children of mass murderers. Elections and Boysenberry icecream are very new concepts in world domination."

Yes, I agree. This is something new and we must proceed carefully (and quickly!) in order to avoid any unnecessary horses**t!
Please see my letter above in the forum post RE: The King of the World election and a proposal for the enactment of The Poysen Pill Boysen Bill

"The most unpleasant truth in the long run is a far safer traveling companion than the most agreeable falsehood." Emerson

OMG, outed!

OMG, McJ. You're 'doing a Vatican" on me!!! And on the front page! What about our deal? And your Ministry of Finance post? How could you do this? It's those bloody bankers, isn't it? What could they have possibly offered you to do this to me? Exposing me to the world. I feel naked. I feel like I'm about to be impeached. I feel like I've just been . . . . no better not go there.

Speaking of Bill, when is this legislation hitting the fan . . . er, no, I mean floor, House Floor that is. This is something that needs to be ad dressed behind closed doors. Can't we talk about this?
hahahaha! rolling on the floor laughing

And speaking of deals reneged on, you (and Sally and anybody else interested in seeing 'honour amongst thieves' in action) must go read Penny's latest:

McJ's picture

Leaking Patriots?

Woa....don't get you shorts in a bunch just yet! Clearly, you missed the header - with CLASSIFIED prominently stamped at the top. You don't think any of us Winter Patriots would be inclined to leak this stuff do you? I had originally intended to bury this in the Forum but decided honesty and openness among thieves (or at least among the WP's) was the best policy, hence the front page posting. I think this is what you call leverage. At least that is what my bankers are telling me.

"And your Ministry of Finance post?"
Now you see, this is exactly what I was talking about! You never offered me that post. You must have this confused with one of your 'off thread' deals. We are going to have to talk about this later as I am busy right now creating a Chinese Food Feast for the fam. I'll see if I can schedule you in sometime this week.

Thanks for the link to Penny's - I'll check it out. smiling

"The most unpleasant truth in the long run is a far safer traveling companion than the most agreeable falsehood." Emerson

Re leaking patriots

Shorts! A bunch of shorts! You blackmailing me about my sharetrading, McJ? I was lucky, is all. I mean, I sold those shares a whole 24 hours before the market crashed, 24, hear? Waaaay in front of the market. So don't go spreading leaks about my shorts or hangin' me out to dry with 'em. All this piss and wind about some shorts of mine. And there wasn't a bunch of 'em, anyway. Just a few . . ah . . dozen . . . . or so, . . . honest. See, I'm admitting it so that makes me an honest man. Right? Just a few.

And yeah, you're open alright. Dribblin' on 'bout my bidness and leakin' it up and down the High Street; sayin my shorts action is stinkin' to high heaven and getting yo nickers in a twist over it.

And maybe I didn't acshalee get specific 'bout that ministry thing but I said I'd see you right and you know what sort of man I am. I'm a man of some integrity, you know! So if I said something about more ice-cream then you can be absolutely certain I said it. I mean, that's caste iron, right there. You can take that to the bank! . . .. . . You did, didn't you? . . . . You took my deal to the bankers and horse traded it for some 'ut better, din you? But what could be better than Boysenberry ice-cream (and don't say purple berry cream like Sally said, cos I'm figurin' it's the same ting. I ain't stoopid ya know. I didn't come into town on the last berry cart despite how it might look with those stains on my shorts. I'll have to change into something fancier now.

Bingo! Yesssss! That's it, isn't it, McJ. Playing dress-ups! Those bloody bankers tole you could be the Gran Pooobaaah of their noo whirl religun, didn't they?! An' all the dress-ups you want. But what you wanna be surrounded by blokes in dresses and sashes for? Yeah, and these blokes sashaying around playing Spice Girls and arguing who's gunna be Posh and who's gunna be Pissy. Well, if you sell out to them bankers you'll come up short, I tell you. Which brings me back to a question that's bin bothrin me. Do those vicars and dickers wear shorts under their dresses? Or are they more like those celtic friends of yours? You know, those one's who are dab hands at tossing their cabers. Look McJ, this is going to get messy; I can see that. Do the right thing. Be honest and sell out to me.

Pointy hats aren't all they're cracked up to be and getting' carried around in a gold chair might make for a good holiday snap to send back to the folks at home but it's sooo slow to get anywhere, I tell ya.

Ok, last offer – I promise to forego my shorts in future; we're firm on one scoop of boysenberry ice-cream and if you promise to not to indulge in leaking for a year, I'll come good with the second scoop. Deal? And no I'm not putting it in writing, Sally. How could you ask such a thing of me? That just says you don't trust me and I'd be agreein' with yo if'n I did and I am highly offensive about that. So why can't you all be more like AP. I mean she just trusts me. And the brown paper bag with the cash in it something I borrowed from her brother an' I'm just returnin' it. Honest. Yeah that's me. Honest.

newjesustimes's picture

Boysen farm

interesting bit of agricultural history there!
As for those "large seeds" I'm not a fan of those types of berries unless I'm standing in the sunshine plucking them from the bush myself. Therefore I am withholding the promise for my vote pending further deals.
Besides, for all we know the promise of more ice cream may not exclude milking of the cow ourselves, nor any of the other extensive manual labor required in the production of said ice cream... do you think he'll really just hand over two scoops of ice cream on the spot?

McJ's picture

Pooo....baaah and male skirts

Pooobaaah indeed! Are you accusing me of looking up them male skirts? The grand poo slinging has begun! (Grab your pooper scooper Sally because we are not talking about two scoops of the Boysenberry any longer!) I think we're gonna have to add some whistle-blower protections to the Boysen Bill.

Look what is happening here. First, he admits up. Then, he quickly redirects us over to Penny's where there is a discussion going on about some Polish guys who may have been making deals with shorts wearing bankers and pointy hat, dress wearing church guys who may not wear shorts. Are we going to get sucked in to arguing about whatever 'shorts' trading may be going on over there in Poland? Ya Right!

When that doesn't work, he admits up again! This time followed by an 'attack the messenger' ploy accusing me of making under the table deals with my banker friends (what! a girl can't get financial advise) and coveting fancy dresses with gilded sashes and travel on posh holidays in golden chairs.

And if that wasn't enough, he throws in a sex scandal for good measure. I'm a decent sort of gal ya know! I don't know whether those fellas are wearing shorts or if they have them in a bunch, or (k)not, or if they have a bunch of them or for that matter, what color they may be. Although, rumor has it they are favoring sumptuous, rich gold and silver hues this season but heh, I don't 'put' stock (short or otherwise) in rumors. And certainly, I have no knowledge of what them bankers may be doing under the table with their shorts. And none I tell you, NONE, of my handy Celtic friends have been tossing their cabers my way! Ironic isn't it, when he is the one that first brought up the subject of 'feeling naked' about my 'exposing him to the world'.

NJT, you may be onto to something here with the 'extensive manual labor required for production of the ice cream' angle. He did mention earlier that there would be "no extra priveleges" and how everyone will "work equally for [his] paradise". I'm saying no to the latest deal. Not only is there no assurance we will be getting a second scoop, now there are preconditions attached to it. A word of caution. Be careful you don't give him any ideas about them 'big seeds'. You may find yourself "standing in the sunshine plucking them from the bush" for more days than you may have planned.

I don't know what's up with AP and her vote. However, bags of anything but berries are a worry right now.

"The most unpleasant truth in the long run is a far safer traveling companion than the most agreeable falsehood." Emerson


Honestly, I voted for James before I knew about any of this shady business, Your Honor. It all sounded too good to be true. Dammit. Just when things were starting to look up...

McJ's picture

None too soon AP

You got over here none too soon AP. I made the same mistake early on promising my vote. This 'King of the World Wannabe' is a real smooth talker. No worries, we haven't sealed the deal as yet and he's still negotiating. Time and numbers are on our side. Power to the people laughing out loud

"The most unpleasant truth in the long run is a far safer traveling companion than the most agreeable falsehood." Emerson

Toodle Pip

Hahahahaha rolling on the floor laughing I'm gunna toss in the towel, McJ! You win laughing out loud. I don't have the stomach for food fights. Okay. Two scoops . . . of Boysenberry ice-cream (in case you wuz wundrin. You gettin' very cynical, you know, McJ. Perhaps you should look at the company you keepin. Just sayin' smiling ) Where wuz I? Yes, two scoops . . . up front, okay? . . . Cone is extra, though. . . Hey, I gotta keep somethin back. Otherwise I'm likely to get a knock at the door wantin my certificate back from the Cohen, Cohen, Gone School of Negotiating.
Gawd, what a bunch of ingrates yo all turned out to be. An' NJT, mate, that was not what we agr . . oops, nevermind. And me, me bein' a public servant an' all, . . here to serve you I am . . . bigtime!

Anyway a firm of kind hearted lobbyists have sent their aptly named Learjet to collect me. We're gunna go do a spot of skiing. I'm hopin' tho I don't end up a spot on the side of a tree like ole Sonny Bono. But they look like nice blokes; long beards, kinda remind me of my hippies days 'cept for the black clothes, of course . . . and hats. Anyway I'm off for a couple of days and have left my legal representatives, Starpe, Luke and Lisson, in full charge of my affairs. So if you want to get picky again you'll have to deal with them and good luck. Nice blokes, tho . . big smiles all round. Kinda funny handshakes, but. Count your fingers after, ok? Toodle pip hello or goodbye .
Your humble servant, K . ahem . . james

McJ's picture

yeah ok

rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
Yeah ok but I'm gonna need it in writing along with a guarantee of real cream, real berries and date of delivery.
"You gettin' very cynical, you know, McJ. Perhaps you should look at the company you keepin. Just sayin'"
You mean, like you?

Have fun skiing with your new friends (they sound like real winners EEK! ) and don't bother sending your sharks over here to negotiate any deals for you.

Cheers friend smiling

Oh, and I'll take mine in a bowl.

"The most unpleasant truth in the long run is a far safer traveling companion than the most agreeable falsehood." Emerson

Sold Out

All this corruption etc has put me right off Boysenberry ice cream so the deals off for my vote at least. I think I may avoid icecream forever. The Bankers have offered a much better deal, "sorry James" They have have given me a promisary note that I can exchange for some very tasty apple crumble after they win (rigg) the election. Our folksey banker Prime minister John Key is going to bake it for me to shut me up without making a bloody mess.

And do you actually want the job. Kingship has its downside they tell me although they didn't elaborate on detail.

McJ's picture

"Kingship has its downside

"Kingship has its downside they tell me although they didn't elaborate on detail."

Well it can be hard to keep your head especially if you go against the will of the people. Look at the case of Charles I of England who was executed for high treason after he tried to negate and overrule parliament. The Catholic Church gave him sainthood for his troubles.
Perhaps it was all worth it. Who knows?

"The most unpleasant truth in the long run is a far safer traveling companion than the most agreeable falsehood." Emerson

My Holiday Junket

"My Holiday Junket" by james the lesser. (apologies to the Plinys)

Yes, you may have twigged from the title that I have abandoned my ambitions of greatness (as a servant, that is) after my fully paid for 'familiarisation tour'. I didn't lose any bark from skiing nor did I gain any a la Sonny Bono (RIP, mate). The simple reason being we didn't go skiing! Which was a relief. I was getting a little nervous 'bout it, I don't mind sayin'. We ended up at one of those Caribbean Hide-Away Resorts. You know, no papparazzi! wink . Saw lots of famous people there. Everybody seemed to know everybody else and like they were sharing a joke. Even saw the Vice Prez, Joe Bidet. Man, that bloke's got a cheesy grin. Pretty cheesy handshake, too. Like you wanted to wash it after. Must have been the temperature, I reckon.

So it was quite hot, if you get my drift, and no one was wearing much at all. Except for those guys in the black coats and hats and beards. Man, they must have been so hot in there. I wouldn't want to be in the pool when that lot eventually jump in, I can tell ya.

So why am I tossin' in the towel? It's crowded . . . all the time. No time to myself. I mean, I couldn't even go to bed by myself! Well, ok, she was friendly, very friendly, in fact, but I need sometime to myself, you know, to pick my toenails and stuff. And those beds! They sure make your back sore. I mean, I never get a sore back at home in the bed me and mrs james have. And I get plenty of sleep, too. And I'm lookin' forward to getting into it again. I had these headaches all the time and these crows in the black coats kept gettin' me these lemonades sayin' they'll fix me right up, for sure, and I'm thinkin' they're half the trouble, you know. Anyway they were nice blokes, smilin' all the time like it's their birthday, and lookin' after everything at the resort, even the bill. Except I had to sign these receipts for them. I signed a lot of receipts, now I come to think about it.

Anyway, I think I remember making some kind of ongoin' deal with 'em but I reckon I'll just give it a miss and everybody can go get their own boysenberry ice-creams. Be a whole lot simpler in the end, don't you think? So I'm lookin' forward to getting back to normal and life being uncomplicated again. I'm not a young man any more, and frankly, I'm shagged out by it all. The life is not all that it's cracked up to be, I tell ya. Yeah, that's what they called it, "The Life". "Welcome to the life", they said. Strange. You know I said to one of 'em when he said this, "I got a life already". And, you know, he said, "Not any more, goyboy". Now why would he say that?

So, I'll probably break the news 'bout me goin' my own way again to the crows in a couple of days when I meet with them again. They said to come around for drinky-poos and then they'll show me the holiday snaps they took of 'our little get-away'. I'm in some of them, "a star", they said. I can't wait to see 'em. Some of them must be funny 'cause they had these big cheesy grins when they told me. Big teeth, these blokes. Never seen teeth like 'em.

The New Kingdom

Oh yes McJ thats right. The Kings of old led very precarious lives before Western Democracy and rule of law took hold. The new age is something entirely different again. Techno Royals, their reign upheld by undetectable cameras, voting machines, bugs and desperate begger schills, will have what no king ever had before. Theres will be no great need for justice to protect the emerging royalty. So its all good and theres a very rosy outlook for a very rare few. I don't think they are holding an election to get the job.